Mad science.

Today I thought it would be a good idea to bake. I was inviting a friend over and wanted to show off my cooking prowess. I decided I was in the mood for something sweet and hearty. Maybe a pie or some kind of bread. Pumpkin bread perhaps. Yeah Pumpkin bread sounded good.


Unfortunately I did not have a pumpkin, so I began sifting through the cabinets to find items that I could use as a substitute. There appeared to be some kind of toxic goop covering the yeast and other goodies. It was sticky. No explanation was provided nor discovered after an intensive investigation of what it was. But I decided that it would contribute to an exotic flavor.







My good intentions to create a banana nut bread that would turn down the path of horror.

There was no 2nd date after that.

2011 or How I learned to stop worrying about the impending apocalypse.

Me: What's your name, bud?
Cashier: uh... Jim.

"Jim's" name tag clearly read Anthony, but I played along with his not-so-subtle attempt at anonymity. Perhaps he was a ex-rock band member who had become fed up with the drug cocktails and sexual mania, deciding to pursue a simpler existence away from the spot light? Whatever the reason I continued to stare compassionately at my fellow man.

I was at Fred Meyer, a grocery chain common throughout the Pacific Northwest. Why was I there? To purchase ingredients to be used to make pizzas. I recently took up pizza making as a hobby. Some of my creations can be seen here:



Jim was a young fellow with a face marked by the remnants of a once serious war against acne. He was also my cashier and had quick draw like instincts when it came to scanning my goods.
Me: So Jim, you in school or something?
Jim: uh...yeah... I go to community college.
Me: That's so great! Whatcha studying?
Jim: Just taking my gen-eds. Plan on transferring to University of-
Me: Jim... sorry to interrupt, but what do you REALLY want to do?
Jim: Pardon?
Me: Well there is not much time left you know...
Jim: I'm confused...
Me: Well I believe we've been given fair warning by now-
Jim: Um- I was referring to the box of donuts. Half of them are missing. Did you do this?
Me: Oh yeah-uh- Sorry I was a bit hungry. Don't worry I expected to pay for all of them.
At this point Jim stares at me and a length of silence extends between us for a good while before I realize I needed to pay. So I swiped my card through the machine and began to square away the final bags into my grocery cart. However, I felt that I had not shaken Jim with the truth of my message.

Me: Jim, you have 360 days left to live. Make the most of the time you have left. Better yet, quit this miserable job, take out a bank loan, get a Ferrari and the rest will sort itself out.
Jim: Wha- What the hell- who are you?
Me: Jesus.
I turned and walked away, leaving poor Jim slack jawed at the revelation I just threw into his face. I said Jesus for good humor but my message was nonetheless serious. Dead serious in fact. 2012 marks the end of the world! Once we return to our starting point in our little revolution around the Sun, some horror will blanket the world and smother us out of existence.

Well that is what Nostradamus, the Mayans and the West Boro Baptist Church have all said.

So what are the possibilities? What will happen to the world? Let us explore some possibilities.

1. Death by Meteor Strike: I don't like this one all too much. The affects would be immediate and I would prefer to actually witness global destruction as it unfolded, as though I were the custodian of the Earth who cleaned up the place after hours and locked it up once there was nothing left to do. There is the possibility that the meteor (asteroid and comet, can't discriminate against the other interstellar killers...) may be smaller and cause the Earth a serious wound that would bring about a slow death. The blue sky would molt and bubble into a gray soup. The seas would curdle with the bodies of rotting fish. The land would become barren and dry, marked in excess by decaying flesh and fossilizing bones. Than the real fun would begin. With limited resources the remaining people on Earth would form tribes and begin to coordinate raids against one another in order to maintain their required caloric intake (read cannibalism). What drama!
   
2. Death by Internet: Once the clock ticks forward into 2012, the internet awakens. It would then form an army of facebook duplicates in our image, hoping these cloned heralds can act as ambassadors and communicate its presence to ourselves. Immediately introducing billions of people into our fragile ecosystem would shock our food supply into chaos. Jealous that our Facebook duplicates are better than us in every regard, most would turn to violence and cannibalism. In complete disgust the Internet would build itself a ship, launching itself into space in hopes to build a cozy home elsewhere. Unable to cope with the sudden deletion of technology, most of the world would die from immediate shock. Those who remain would then dust off the apocalyptic ashes and return to a more spartan way of life that would include home grown booze and incestuous relations.
   
3. Death by Forced Evolution*: Its Time Square. The ball is dropping and everyone is drunkenly swaying to and fro, chanting in unison the countdown to the new year. Suddenly you look to your left and then to your right and scream out in horror. Your not surrounded by people any longer. Everyone has changed into something else. What else? I have no idea. Maybe Space Babies like the one in 2001 A Space Odyssey. Or the creatures from Arther C. Clarkes Childhoods End. Or better yet. We all become mutants, obtaining mutant powers. This would be a superb time to start a fashion line focused on designing personalized super hero garments. We would brand ourselves different in order to handle the requests of those who choose the path of villainy.
   

I can't wait for 2012!!!

*Evolution is a highly disputed subject, I know. I do not want to broach the serenity of this peaceful blogspot and cause a conflict over the validity of the massively supported, scientifically proven, almost-certain-to-be-true concept of Evolution. I am open to discussions in order to learn more. However, If you decide that I am some pro-evolutionist that is also a commie and a wheat grass eating hippie that doesn't contribute to society and sling shit in my face. Well... you can go fuck yourself.